The desktop wallpaper on my computer is this really great picture of my wife’s boobs. It’s way hot. So a couple of nights ago my buddy Kris comes over to hang out for a while. When he walked in I was messing around with that drum machine program. I told him to have a seat. I wanted to show him how cool it was. After a few minutes I closed the program and out pops Angel’s titties…right there in front of God and everybody. I feigned embarrassment…so did Angel.

Speaking of Angel…read her latest blog entry. The one called “Am I evil because…”. Of course it’s awesome! It’s about me. Just like everything else in her life.

I’ve been playing around with this cool little drum machine program that I got last night. Download the demo…it’s a blast. I was making some horribly gay beats in no time. My wife was not amused. After she’d apparently had enough she turned to me and said “Here’s what you need to do” and blasted Jay-Z’s “Nigga What” (sorry…that’s “Jigga What” for those of you who listen to the radio). I petulantly shut down the drum machine and slapped the bitch in her fuckin’ mouth like any real man would do. That means I started playing a video game…for those of you who listen to the radio.

I’m going to start doing my solo acoustic shows at The Billy Goat again starting August 19th. I did these a couple of times a month for about a year or so until the end of last year. I’ve been trying to think of ways to make it more interesting. I’ve been working on playing drums with my feet. It’s the old one-man-band trick and it’s a bit harder than I expected. I’ve just started with a kick and hi-hat for now but if I can pull it together I’ll try to add a snare drum too. I need to figure out how to set up a snare drum with a pedal though. I’ve still got almost two months before the first show so I think that if I stick to it I can make it happen. I’ve gotta say though, I’ve recorded myself doing it and it ain’t pretty. We’ll see.

After my June 21st post we had more hits than we’d had in months. In an attempt to keep up the pace I will be discussing abortion tomorrow, affirmative action on Sunday, and your mother on Monday. *joke*

I figured I’d get some emails after my last post. I was right. Here’s the line that seemed to get the most attention. “I then suggested that you also have to be somewhat of a dimwit to believe any religion, not just ones with kick-ass aliens.” If you take that sentence as matter-of-factly as it was presented then I guess I’m the one who looks like the dimwit. If you read that sentence as “If you believe in any religion you are an idiot” then I should re-phrase. What I meant was, if you are a religious person then you are willing to believe the unbelievable. You are willing to deny your intellect and trust in things that you have no proof exist. You are willing to bet your entire life savings on the Kansas City Royals winning the world series this year even though you have zero indication that this is a possibility. All you have is a gut feeling…faith.

Christianity is filled with fantastical stories of people being raised from the dead, the blind being given their sight, people walking on water, and on and on. Why do we believe these stories? Have you ever seen anyone even healed of the common cold? I haven’t. I think we believe them just because we want to believe them. Don’t confuse me with the facts ma’am. I’ve chosen to believe all of those stories for most of my life. I also chose to believe that going to the movies would land you in hell. So where do you draw the line? Enter my “dimwit” statement. We choose to believe what we will not based on logic but based on whatever amount of reality we are willing to deny just so we can sleep at night. But that’s the beauty of it…I guess.

There has been quite a bit of talk about Scientology in the media lately. It’s all because that chick who showed her tits in that one movie about the psychic mom that Billy Bob Thorton was involved in somehow or another is about to convert because Maverick told her to. Fair enough. I know more about Scientology now than I ever thought I’d be able to afford. The most important thing you need to know about this religion is that Xenu is a bad alien. He killed off a bunch of other aliens that now cling to humans. Your job is to get them off you. Godspeed sucker! If you’re a good and wealthy Scientologist you hope to someday see Xenu. He’s on top of a mountain somewhere in a cage. I hear the trip makes for a bitchin’ holiday weekend.

My wife and I were talking about how much of a fucktard you have to be to buy this load of shit. This of course turned into a whole conversation about religion. Around here you usually have to be drunk to bring up religion but this was a special case. I then suggested that you also have to be somewhat of a dimwit to believe any religion, not just ones with kick-ass aliens.

I was raised a good Christian boy…still am…can’t ya tell? So why is it that I’m willing to shun reality and believe that the son of God died for me, rose from the dead, walked on water, turned water into wine…the list goes on…perhaps you know the list too. Why is it that all of this seems perfectly plausible but Xenu doesn’t? People that believe Scientology aren’t a bunch of retards…OK maybe they are…I doubt it but maybe they are. We Christians ain’t all that slow either…tortured maybe…self-doubting … probably … deprived…definitely…but we sure as shit ain’t stupid…at least I ain’t…I know when to be ashamed… always.

Anyhoo…I hope we’re all right. I hope we’ll all meet at the big KISS concert in the sky. I hope that as long as you believe in something you’ll get in…but probably not. Here’s a tip…when in doubt…go with Drew’s hunch. Long live Xenu.

Today I found the most wicked awesome drink ever created by man. My God what an amazing find. You’re welcome.

Here’s the recording of “Dog and Pony Show” from our last practice if you’re interested. The lyrics weren’t done at the time so some of them are repeated. The lyrics are done now however. The first two verses are the same as they were in my June 10th post.

Verse 3 – Your little dog and pony show is certified gold/ it’s time to trade the simple life for doing what you’re told/ and now you know under the circus lights you’ll fly with no soul/ I hope you told ‘em where to go/ I hope you gave ‘em attitude-

Verse 4 – So if you’re high or if you’re low the one thing I know is if you gave ‘em rock and roll I know you gave ‘em attitude -

Bridge – worldwide, citywide, nationwide fools -

I decided today that it was high time to go ahead and locate the master tape for “Invention of the Wheel” by The Drew Johnson Band. I won’t go as far as to say that it was missing but I will say that I didn’t know where it was exactly. I knew that the CD duplication company we used probably still had it but I couldn’t remember the name of the place. I did a Google search for “real time cd duplication southern california” and its various permutations. Wow…fuck you very much Google. I should have just done a search for the word “music” because I love getting forty-leven kagillion results. Anyway, I kept seeing Groove House Records show up. That rang a bell but I was pretty sure that wasn’t the place.

I remembered that the company we used was recommended by Doug Sax, the mastering legend that mastered “Invention”. I called Sax’s office. I asked the girl what duplicators they normally recommend. She said ” Groove House”. I said “It wasn’t that one. What are some others? Isn’t there one that is run by a husband and wife”? She said “Yes…Groove House”.

I contacted Groove House by email and embarrassingly asked if they had our master. I made up some kind of bullshit story about why I was having trouble tracking it down. They’ve got it. Safe and sound. They asked if I’d like them to ship it to me. I said no. I think it’s safer in their hands.

Recording news! I just got word today that there’s a possibility we may have a change of venue (not a change of producer thank God) for our recording sessions that are about to start. —Dino, Steve,Nate check your email— We don’t have everyone on board just yet but if it comes through, the album will probably take less than half the time we expected. We’ll let you know something as soon as we know.

I finished the lyrics today to the tune I’ve been talking about in the last couple of entries. I’m too tired to type them out right now but I like how they turned out. The tune will heretofore be referred to as “Dog and Pony Show”. Dino has a recording of it from practice yesterday. As soon as I get it I’ll post it.